Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
