I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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