I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
