You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize