Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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