I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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