Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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