tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
