Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
