girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
