Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
