I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
