So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
