she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
