dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
