Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
