I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
