I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
