No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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