if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
