Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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