saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
