There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
