There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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