This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
