Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
