John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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