just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
