well I can't set my house on fire every night
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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