I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
