If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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