he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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