I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
