I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
