I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
