I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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