Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
