Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize