I think I died a long time ago.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
