Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
