and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
