Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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