I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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