Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
