Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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