Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
