I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
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