you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
