If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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