Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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