ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
