I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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