My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Can vaginas get frostbite?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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