so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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