she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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