He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you will always have a special place in my vag
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
