Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
